intuitiveflow

Right after posting #46 I have to move the car for parking regulation. I double park where the police does not ticket and go to the Hungarian Pastry Shop, across the street from the Cathedral of St. John The Divine. I sit in the deepest and darkest corner, and this is why I use black watercolor. I won’t be able to see other colors clearly enough.

Here is the drawing:

Towers in the sky

This time I am showing the process of Going-in-with-words.

This is the book I do the going-in-with-words when I am not at home.

The book of going-in-with-words

On the left you can see the collection of words. I moved my eyes all over the drawing and caught all the words that showed up in my mind, as I was doing it. 

I looked again at the drawing and asked myself: What number should I use, and the first number that came to my mind was 4. You can see that I wrote this number at the top of the list.

I counted the lines and when I came to 4 I gave it the number 1.

I counted on, and when I reached 4 again, I gave it the number 2.

And so on. When I finished the list I started it again, and in counting, skipped the words that had a number already.

This is how I did the scrambling this time.

I wrote the list again, in the new order. And after it was all written down I started to add words, make slight changes and create something that made sense as a poem. It was not hard. The poem almost made itself. I could not know what it would look like before I wrote it, and I could not now what it would tell me, until it did. 

When I read it now, it makes a lot of sense to me. This is how my intuition talks to me and tells me what is the best for me to do with my life now.

Here is the poem:

It is not really a city

Turn around the hill

Among the fortresses

And meet the hardness of life

Look at the cathedral

Very near is the truth of freedom

Not in the erect building

It is open

Your feeling of need

Makes it seem closed

The citadel

Going up and up

That you think you can’t live without

Is nothing but a want.

If you compared what I wrote in the book to what I wrote here, and saw a few slight changes, you were right. Even now, as I typed the poem for the blog, I made a few tiny changes.

This is an answer to what was left open in the end of the last posting. As soon as I let go of the moralistic view, and my attention turns to the core issue of my wants, What should I do?

This is what intuition says:

Don’t get caught up in any of the signs of power. Let go of the wants, which want to build themselves into big appearances. Freedom is already here (in the surrender to intuition. You already know). In other words: All that I pursued, all that I felt I could not live without, and spent so much energy wanting, stands in the way of the flowering of my freedom.

I was waiting. We were in a big Salvation Army store, far away from home. I found a huge comfort chair near the entrance and sat in it. The pain was unbearable. I had to do something. I had my small pad, markers and color pencils.

The first drawing looked very much like pain drawings that I did a few years ago. There are enclosed forms, like stones, being shot out as if from a volcano, pushing each other in a progression that repeats appearing in the same places. And every center of pain radiates this crazy energy, where nothing works with anything. It just radiates and radiates and radiates. The quivering of the lines comes from not being able to control the quivering of my body. I try to make the lines go where I want them to go, but the push of the pain overcomes me. #1

Pain one

 In the second one the intensity had gone down and the pain, still intense nevertheless, concentrates in only a few places. Basically it is where the toes connect to the foot. In some places I can feel how it starts back in the foot. #2

Pain two

 The intensity goes up again and I try to be accurate in the description of where the pain is and how it feels. You can see that it has become more local, but very intense again. It does not radiate so overwhelmingly as before. #3

Pain three

 It becomes easier to look at it. The pain turns softer. It is easy to know where exactly it is. I am not in an extreme torture, though it still hurts quite a bit. #4

Pain four

The pain becomes even less horrible, I start being able to be aware of other things, like the parts of the foot. Then, in-float the dark figures. #5

Pain five

I decide to go into the dark figures. This will happen in a new posting to come. I also wonder about the pain itself. I have drawn it so many times. I listened to it closely. I saw it changing. When it started to be so intrusive I refused to make it into something that will stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do. But it increased in strength and persistence so much that I could not escape accepting it as a major actor in the drama of my life. I thought for a million times: Why do I have this? What does it want to tell me? Is there anything that I have to understand but it has escaped me? Where, in my subconscious, is the thought that has created this experience? Writing this last sentence now brings a stream of faint images to my mind and I stop writing for a second to pay attention to them. I see myself with all my sexual adventures in previous lives, escaping angry crowds, thinking about my life then, and deciding that I have escaped enough and it is time to stop running and accept the punishment that will come.

This kind of thought comes from a moralistic view, in which, if someone does an immoral thing, he deserves to be punished. This kind of thought ignores the fact that the action itself came from some hunger, and some feeling of “I want but I can’t.” This feeling is what has to be tackled and not the moralistic stance of right and wrong. In the kernel of suffering of “I want but I can’t” lies the key to my release. Even if I go along with the punishment view and allow myself to be punished, I do not resolve this feeling of want and can’t. See that? I need to go to the core and not to one of its derivatives.

At this moment I suddenly know, just as my eyes wander to the last drawing, which is open right next to me: The dark figures are my pursuers, the punishers. I don’t need to go into the dark figures any more. I know.

 I also know that many people don’t believe in past lives. I wrote about this before. For the purpose of healing, here in this case, it does not matter. I have these thoughts and images in my subconscious. They are active. They create my experiences. I need to deal with them, regardless of whether they represent something that had happened or a fiction that my mind has invented.

We are visiting our grandchild, Luca, for two days. He is eight weeks old and very sweet.

The pain prevents me from walking, when everybody walks on the beach. I do some drawings while there. One of them seems more significant:

A daring muscle

The words:

Here is a daring muscle

Pushing something away

But that thing says

You don’t want to go there.

A bat flies very close suddenly

He has just swallowed something

And as he leaves

I am alone again

With a forced smile

I remember from my training

To aim and block at the same time

The night grows dark violet

And as in all nights

My throat feels stretched.

As soon as I finish I jot down fast:

The muscle is me.

The no is about sex.

The bat is those for whom there is no “no.”

Forced smile is pretending everything is OK.

Block and aim is a feeling of a need for protection.

The throat thing is still there.

This is one thing.

The second is the pain, which is becoming stronger and more insistent. At night, when the pain increases, and my whole body shakes and becomes tense, I tell myself: Go deeper, go deeper. Then I imagine growing my aura more and more, and I start feeling that I am the aura. I start seeing things in the environment and then farther and farther away. When I identify with the aura even more, the body relaxes suddenly and becomes loose.

When I stay in this state longer, I start seeing that in my imagination the environment that I see changes from beautiful and pleasant to horrible, then back to beautiful and so on, back and forth.

Sometimes I draw the pain during the day. I’ll show you two series. In the first of the two, I just drew the pain, it kept changing, and in the last drawing the dark figures appeared again, as in postings #26 and #28.

In the second series I painted the nerves. I’ll say more when I show the pictures.

These are the things to dive into now: The neck thing, the figures that appear in the background of the pain and the nerves.

I’ll show the two pain related series in the next two postings.

(The workshop was successful. I did many workshops or presentations before. I always prepared well and knew what I would say and do. I always left enough things undecided, so that intuition will be able to come into the talking and doing too. But I also had worries about success, about people loving me in the end, about being successful and many more worries. This time, when I had worries I also had the feeling that this was not about me at all. I was in service of something bigger than me, that I was in touch with. I knew, from all the communications with my intuition before the workshop, that it was going to be good, and that this was what I needed to do, if I wanted to trust intuition. And when the workshop was in process I felt as if I was not there at all. Yes, there was this body there, and even all the mental structures and reactions that are still active, but this was not about that. It was about transferring something that came through me, and I had to move it on to the participants. It felt so strange not to be worried in this way.

I also noticed that when I did the presentation, in the beginning of the workshop, I used words and ways of explaining that I have never used before. I did not prepare for them. They just came to my mouth. I knew what to do every time something had to be done.

My life partner, Anita helped me arrange the place and collect the payments. The checks and the money bills were in a folder, and almost fell out when we ate somewhere, before going home. In the next day I found the money in the folder and counted it. It was not much, for all the work that I had done to prepare, especially considering the payments for the space and for the paper. I wanted to have good paper and a good place.

Suddenly, as I was looking at the money I felt the fume of sweetness infuses itself throughout my being. This was the sweetest money I have ever made. Once I stepped up to where I had to be, doing what life wanted me to do, everything that came back to me was sweet. This includes, of course, the fact that most of the participants want to continue and learn more.

I want to tell you folks: Follow your intuition. Nothing compares to this feeling. I already know:

There will be many people who know how to work with intuition, and many more healed people in the world.)

The day after the eight drawings day I did two drawings related to the feeling in the throat. Here is the first: 

The water with the red and the black

And here are the words:

The light is behind it always.

Look at me mommy

What is it?

The water that was good and strong

The water that we admired

Is dead.

Something horrible happened

Is it something in my mommy’s memories?

What I craved

And the light is behind it always

And what I am growing into

Has gotten red and black

As if, as soon as I want to grow

Something hits the glee of growing

What is it?

What is it that is bleeding?

Why do the water have blood and darkness?

I immediately started another drawing. This one was totally different.

Here it is:

Explosion of growth

And the wording of it:

The apple blooms

It hurts as it does

It has to push away the cold

It has to push through pain

And then it becomes

Beautiful

Soft

Surprising

Huge

Powerful

Free.

This time, unpredictably, it took only two drawings to come to wonder.

This is drawing #2. Number one of the day was described in the previous posting.

Once I decided to free my throat, I did this drawing. I focused on the feeling of the pressure on my thyroid gland and allowed intuition to draw.

The pressure on my thyroid

I looked at the forms in the drawing and asked what they wanted or what they did.

You know the drill. Here is the final text:

If you want to be a bone for someone else to chew on

Go hide in a pit

Whisper in someone’s ear without a bold move

Hug someone as a scared child, wanting help

Dream about sex

Preach with hand gestures

Cry as a dog to the moon

And look down, as if you are a cloud

Looking for a place to pour your water.

I did not have to think more about these words. I leave it up to you if you want to do it. Instead of playing more with words or trying to figure out what the words meant, I could draw again. I felt an emotional upset and drawing was a better thing to do than thinking. This is drawing #3.

Upset and confused

And here are the words:

Feeling insufficient

And struggling, he gets tired

And ends up feeling heavy.

But what is the alternative?

Being angrily alive?

It is cloudy and grey

Over the barren land.

You know what it is that I was doing, right? I was not going to stop drawing and writing until my mood, when I look at my last drawing, changes to wonder. And at this moment I was angry. Once you start the process the emotions change from one to another, and you never know what you’ll find in your next drawing until you make it. It is a good and healthy process, by which you can learn about your subconscious habits in fighting against change. Look at how my subconscious fights. And all I do is streaming intuition again and again through me to see what is going on. Every time you witness something from the intuitive flow perspective, it changes. It is a good thing to know. And because intuition is loving and knowing, the changes are toward freedom from suffering. It may not look so at first, because as one emotion is dislodged, another one pops up. But this happens in a wise order, and as you let every emotion be experienced and witnessed, they all go eventually and leave you free, at least for a while. Then you have to do it again. Chances are that in the second time the process will be shorter.

Here is drawing #4:

Naughty children

This was a strange one. All the figures looked like bad children who behave in annoying ways to get attention. Here are the words that came:

A man walks unevenly, making strange signs with his hand

The dog is waiting to be commanded

To perform a mischief

A tree bough pretends to be a giraffe

A white cat, browned by mud hangs upside down

A huge bird lands heavily

Her tail is a man, swimming backward

And a flower leans back in amazement

All things bold and crazy.

That’s the child, wanting attention. It means that at some point there was a need for unconditional love that was not given. Becoming obsessed with this happens to so many people. This search can never be satisfied.

Then #5:

Imagined aggression

And the words:

He was big and pushy

Moving through everything

Expecting to be loved

Expecting the water to come

And make the blood forgotten

But in the dark alleys

Of the soot covered city

People talked

With the blood in their heads.

#6:

Something breaks through

Like air rushing with excitement

Pushing aside everything around it

Like a disordered flower

Breaking through

A delicate village

And a tree

Both with the alarm lights

Turned on.

Clearly something is happening here. Something new is breaking through, but I feel I haven’t come to a place of peace yet.

So I draw #7:

A new structure fighting to be

And the words:

I’m organized

I’m stable

I’m growing a strong structure

Aggressively

Each part supports the other

Till they turn

More and more

Airy.

I was very surprised when this drawing came into being. I remembered a patient who, in her last session explored an aggressive feeling that she had. She was about to start her own business, and felt she needed some aggression. All we did was to allow the sense of beauty build her aggression in the most beautiful way, so it will also be loving and harmonious with her intuition.

I wanted to do at least one more step, as I felt I did not want to leave the process with aggression. This was a more positive feeling than all of the previous ones, but I felt the need to go on.

Here s the last drawing, # 8:

The wonder starts

And its words:

And then

A very delicate

And slightly injured

Structure of light

Appeared

A different kind of being

Supported by

The space.

At this time it was late, and I agreed with myself that I could leave the process for now. It took a day, from morning to night. I knew it has not ended yet. But it was definitely a much better place than the beginning. I also knew where it was going. It was toward moving my identification away from the physical world and the personality to the ever–present awareness. The next drawing would have been an empty page.

This is how you can stream intuition through an energetic blockage again and again, as it goes through changes. At some point enough habitual patterns are released, so that the natural light starts to shine.

Let’s see what were the changes:

1. (In the previous posting) A feeling that a new front is coming and a change is about to happen. The old habits prepare to fight.

2. Feelings of being a victim and being confused.

3. A repetitious sense of fight or flight, accompanied by a sense of meaninglessness.

4. A feeling of not being loved and seeking attention rebelliously.

5. Aggression, or maybe sexual aggression.

6. A feeling that something new and fresh, though not orderly, is coming through the habitual patterns that exist now. The current paradigm is breaking apart and is alarmed.

7. Feeling the need for some aggression, to support the growth of something new and beautiful.

8. A shift starts to happen towards the wondrous.

Two days come now, in which I struggle with a core issue. It is not important to know what the core issue is. I feel it strongly and I work with the feeling or the experience. I find that sometimes the issues are so complicated when they appear as stories, that it does not help at all to know what they are. Once you know one thing about the issue, it turns out it is not this but something else, and so it goes. Words are fishy, when you want them to describe something that does not want to be described. But if you work with the feeling or the experience in the body, these don’t lie, and the issue ends up changing without even knowing what it was. Eventually you may know what it was, when its end comes. Or you know that it was not so important anyway.

So how do I know it is a core issue?

It is an experience that I have had all my life. It has always been with me. If I sit quietly and let the words go wherever they go, when I do not use them to tell myself what I experience, I become somewhat more peaceful. Space opens up around me. Then I realize that I feel this pressure in my throat. It is as if something is pressing on my thyroid gland. There is nothing there, but I feel as if there is. Sometimes this comes together with another pressure from behind the neck. This area in my body has suffered a lot throughout life. Many years ago my thyroid gland stopped producing sufficient hormone for the body. A few years later I had cancer in that neighborhood. The cancer was taken away and the hormone is being supplemented. But the feeling of pressure is there. I have decided to get into the work of freeing my throat. 

Before I start, I want to say what the fight is. Nobody is going to be killed. I turn the flow of intuition so that it goes through this place in the body, through the feeling and through everything that intuition finds relevant. It comes again and again, with another drawing and another drawing, until beauty appears. Until my heart melts when I see the drawing.

In the first day I did eight drawing, and in the last there was some relief. In the second day I did two and in the second drawing beauty appeared. I still feel the pressure there, so the fight has not ended. 

Since this text is long already, I’ll include here only the first drawing, which started the series, and the words that came to help me experience it more. Here is the drawing:

New frontier

I had an unsettled feeling when I woke up and I made this drawing to find out what was going on. I did not expect to feel this way. Here are the words:

The mustard warmth expands in the air

Soon it will touch the cold, organized jello

The sea moves, pretending to be quiet

The clouds attack

Causing casualties and blood

And all of this happens

In endless peace.

How does this relate to me, I asked?

This is me, I knew. It happens inside of me. I am the space in which this happens and everything in it.

It felt like a new front is coming and my operating paradigm is about to change. At least there is a struggle here. I had a feeling that sometimes change is only from one condition to another, and not so meaningful. I wanted to prevent this from happening and this is what drove me to direct my attention to this core issue.

Let’s start with a day of pain. I wanted to post this drawing alone, without saying anything, but the plan has changed.

Pain

 Now a second day like this has come, and a third day. And in the third day I have an appointment at the place where that workshop is taking place, to try all the technical stuff relating to the projection of a presentation. I have to walk a few blocks to the subway station, and from the one where I exit the train, walk again several blocks to where the workshop will take place. Then there is waking and standing there, and all the trip back. As my foot hurts like crazy in the morning, I consider canceling this appointment. I don’t want to exacerbate the pain and what causes it.

But keeping the appointment is part of doing the presentation and workshop in a good way, without pressure. It is a good idea to try things ahead of time so I can fix them in case it is necessary.

I don’t know, in this morning, what is more important: Allowing the foot to rest, or keeping all the plans moving. I love being in other places. I love walking in the streets. But should I, when the condition of the foot is so bad?

I decide to ask intuition.

This is the drawing that was made.

Flow, fly and go

 And these are the words, resulting from going-in-with-words. I collected the words by describing what different parts of the drawing were doing:

I am dancing very lightly

In the light

Moving to a place of meaning

Where everything is joy

I bend right

And look to the left with fear

It is an old habit showing

But I am peaceful

In the local flow

Moving to fulfillment.

So I go. And the foot hurts like hell sometimes, and less at other times. And in one of the places where I have to wait I find a new way to sooth the pain with energy work.

I imagine that there is a ball of energy, floating a little bit away from my knee. You can see in the drawing how I sit and where the ball is in the beginning.

Moving the ball of energy

Then I move this ball, in my imagination, through the lower part of the leg and the foot, till it comes out from the other side and takes a little distance from there. Then I move it back through the foot and lower part of the leg in the opposite direction, until it comes to where it was in the beginning. I do this again and again back and forth. Sitting in the subway, my eyes are closed and I move them under the lids, to follow where the ball of energy moves. I can also help the ball move with my hands, but I don’t want to do this in the subway.

That’s it. After a while the pain goes away and everything becomes quiet.

Do you want to try?

The more vividly you see the ball in your imagination, the better it works.

You see, every single time that I work with intuitive flow, something good happens. There are no dead days and no bad sessions. It is the same when, in my sessions with patients, they use intuitive flow.

It will be the same for you too, when you use intuitive flow on yourself, and if you work with other people, when you teach them how to use it too.

You may find out that they heal faster than you thought possible. And maybe they will end up leaving you faster than you want, but this is another issue.

I showed my life partner posting #34, “I am that.”

She had an operation on her eyes and it was hard for her to read, so she asked me to make the computer read it aloud. We like doing it sometimes. The computer spoke. Some of the sentences sounded not as they should have, but if you stuck to the words, you could get the story all right. When the computer voice finished reading, I looked at her.

She had tears in her eyes.

This was the most acknowledging gesture I cold ever have.

This froze me.

You see, when you are in the process of working on yourself, even tendencies that almost disappeared in the past, become magnified. There is still work to be done with them.

I drew this freeze.

Blocked love

Already as I drew I saw:

I saw the explosive arising of wanting to be loved mixed with loving back, based on having been truly listened to. This is everything in red.

Then I saw the blockage, in the green line that said: No, you are not giving love back because it is not true that you are loved and accepted. You have tons of memories to prove that it is not true.

Then I saw the stain on my life, the dark shape in the upper right side, which is the reason why a woman would not love me and accept who I am. Yes, What I wrote may be good, but there is that other part of me too, the part of what I did long, long ago, in some far away life.

Then I saw that after the blockage there was grey, more grey and more grey. And the grey was spotted with pain.

It was made clear to me, oh, so clear, that all of these are self-made. All the parts of this picture are in my own mind. They are nothing but pictures in my mind. 

The key to understanding this is that even the longing to be loved is wrong. It is longing to be loved for safety and it is returning only a conditional love. If you understand me and support me, I’ll love you back. If you don’t, I’ll withhold my love. This is not the kind of love to dream about.

This is a core issue.