intuitiveflow

Follow your heart

When I looked at the pictures of the last posting, there was an advice stated in them. It is the clear direction that showed itself more and more clearly, as I moved from drawing one to drawing three. It is: To do what it is for me to do in this life, in spite of not being perfect. It is to accept all that is imperfect and move forward in my life. This is the advice that was given this time.

Intuition never deals with the past or the future. It always deals with now. And it is practical. It does not give you information, so that you can put it in your life story as a fact or write a scholarly article with new definitions of the human condition. It is impossible to stabilize your findings, because their nature is change. So what comes through the intuitive flow always ends up as something practical to do now, and if you do that, you will feel good. You will know that you are doing what you have to do in this life.

The way we are being taught in school to know, is to find some stable truth. Everyone knows that the stability of what is considered to be true today is short lived. Some time from now there will be a change of paradigm. Some details in the way life behaves wouldn’t fit in with what is believed to be true and when enough incongruity occurs, the paradigm will have to change. If you want to find stability, you have to be in movement. You have to respond to circumstances as they arise, and do it in the deepest way that you can, or the most beautiful way that you can. So the only thing that remains stable is the trust that you develop in your intuition or your sense of beauty. It is a bit different from the way we were taught to live. You never know what will come toward you from life and what will come to you from your intuition. But trusting intuition and doing what is recommended through it, makes you feel good, and gradually this feeling-good becomes what accompanies you through all your life. It is the measure of how you trust your intuition.

The aim of therapy or healing is to feel good in a true and deep way. Here you have a solution.

When your trust in intuition becomes stable and constant, then you have a feeling that you even do not do anything. Instead, everything happens. Things appear in the world, response appears from within you, there is an action taken. And where are you? You have disappeared. As long as you doubt intuition, you have a struggle within you. One side wants to respond according to your subconscious programs, another side wants to trust intuition. So there must be a choice to be made and something to do, to overcome resistance and to follow your heart. In this behavior there is a “you”. If you don’t have any doubt, the “you” is not there. Do you want to try this?

This is going to be a long posting, with three pictures. It is all one process, and I want it to be together.

I got up in the morning, opened the blog and felt: Oh dear! What did I do yesterday? And a wave of deep shame came over me. I could do it alone at home. I do not have to put it out there. And I figured that this moment was the best time to start working on shame, as I promised that I’d do.

I talked to my intuition: Draw what I feel now. Intuition is very fast. Once you decide what it is that you ask, it knows already, and all you have to do is just do an intuitive-flow drawing. I put my brush to the paints.

A tower of bats

The going-in-with-words brought this:

Long, long ago

In the place from which

The dark memories come

Health was not important.

Sweeping thoughts

Bring sorrow now

And I blush.

My pain tries to cover

My longing.

The signs are fleeting and vague

The waves come to the shore

From my true aspiration

But I build a tower of bats.

The big men are dancing at night

Oh, so light

With disturbing energy

Layers upon layers.

I decided not to elaborate on this at all. Just reading gives me enough handles on this experience. I do not want to define it to death. I know there is a way to go ahead of me, and a fleeting experience of what has come to the paper is enough for now, to generate a sense of knowing. Structures of thought in the subconscious were touched and shaken a little. I do not have to be violent. I’ll go in there again with a new drawing and see what is going on now.

Starting to move away

And going-in-with-words brought this:

I am trying now

Supported by my pain.

I listen to my sadness

And still hear the hard workers

In the basement.

It was so long ago

I am jumping now, ain’t I?

Sticking my head out

Look at me:

I am walking.

And in the basement

My old story

Is unraveling.

Again I decide not to elaborate on this.

I just jot down quickly what I see:

I’m moving. There is sadness. Pain helps me walk. Horror in the basement.

I do another drawing:

Reaching the soft clouds

This time the writing just flowed out of me complete:

Here we are leaving the old earth

Venturing into space

Our daring is unbelievable

We are not afraid

When the sun goes red

As it sinks

New soft clouds

Come all around us

We open our eyes

We have no words.

As soon as I finish, something stirs in my mind and this comes out:

Just as we are,

With the dark side

With the pain

With the memories

We go.

And soon after, this comes:

Accepting now

That I am not perfect

And with whatever I carry

I walk

And do

My life’s work. 

At this point I already know that something good has happened. I feel satisfaction. I know this feeling. Something real was done to become freer. As I said it before, some mental structures were shaken from their places, where they were holding on to the idea of “me”, and as soon as they moved, some fresh air came in from who-I-am. It was a step from being blindly activated by hidden beliefs, to being open to intuition.

This is what we are here for, on this earth. 

And here is another thought. How can I do it to myself? How can I heal myself? Don’t I need someone else there, to be detached enough to see what I do not see, to catch me when my thought patters make me stray from seeing what is there?

This can be done because by being in an intuitive flow I detach myself from my mind. I am in a place to where the power of thoughts does not reach. Only in this way I can do it. And you can do it too, with yourself and with others.

I want to add another thing. The depth of this work is amazing. When you look at the last drawing you can see that it seems that the more solid part is in the right side, while the left is just starting to be something. One of the healers that I saw told me that on my right side my aura was full, but was almost not there on the left side. Am I growing my aura to the left side too now? By the way, my painful foot is.. you guessed it: the left one.

Another thing is that you can see the beginning of the last drawing in the second drawing. Already in the second drawing there is a rounded shape on the lower right, from which things come out and up toward the left side. Knowing this, it is possible to see, though in a very obscure way, that this structure could be hiding in the first drawing already. Isn’t this what all the wise people tell us? The solution has always been in you. All you have to do is see it.

I am starting the process of accepting everything, beginning with shame, guilt and fear about sex. 

This day I have a lot of pain in my foot. It has not stopped throughout the night and all the hours of this morning. The pain is so strong that all my body shakes from it. I will have to deal with the pain before I can do anything else.

Pain in the foot

I draw the pain, the way I feel it. I add the grey line that defines the location of the foot and the phone rings. The pain has gone down, just from doing this. When I finish the call in a few minutes, I don’t have pain. More precisely I do have a sense of itchiness that is not so strong, in all the places where the pain was before. It is amazing how powerful it is to just draw the pain. But you have to know: In the past, when I did this, I mostly needed four or five drawings of the pain, all the time following the way it kept changing, until it stopped. Drawing the pain is, in my experience the best way to fully accept it and anything else that you draw, because you become interested in it. You do not come from wanting to eliminate it, but from curiosity. You act on your curiosity, you become aware of all the sensations of the pain and as a result, the pain starts to change. At the same time, your brain develops new neurons and connections in these moments and you become more alive. Long-term pain sometimes makes people feel depressed. Becoming more alive, through this process acts against this tendency. This is another benefit.

At this time I finished my pictorial description of the pain. As I look at the drawing, my sense of beauty kicks in and tells me that the drawing still wants more. I trust my sense of beauty, and now, that the pain has subsided, I follow its guidance. If the sense of beauty wants me to continue, it usually means that my intuition has a message for me. I work intuitively and this is how it looks in the end.

Pain and what is around it

When I look at the composition it tells me that the pain is a clearer manifestation of things that are less clear. Those stones or clouds conglomerate there and prevent flow. Maybe they are not so strongly connected, and can be moved by a good kick? There are two places where energy escapes or dissolves. They are the green part above the foot and the green line under the grey stone. The other lines in that area seem to be too strongly connected to the blue stone, so energy does not really leave the place through them.

It also seems that the pain phenomena is trying to push the stones away. Here I have to say something important: I know that there is no way to win through fighting and pushing anything away. Everything that we push away today will come back stronger tomorrow, so to speak. So this drawing provides me with a hint about something that I can do. I can eliminate the conflict between the pain and the stones. When two things fight and no one wants to give way, they become stuck, which in this case means that the pain stays, because it is in a fight with the stones. Do you see how clear the intuition sees?

And it would be very interesting to see what the green does. Where does it go? Where does it take the energy from? It is important to know, because it is one place where there is flow.

Do you see how rich and wonderful this kind of work is? 

I look at the stones again and this time I give them names.

The magenta stone is pain, but this one is emotional.

The grey stones are “Can’t remember what I am. I am so old. But I am so strongly habituated to be as I am that I’m not going to change now.

The dark blue stone is Moody, has been treated unfairly, angry and making some big impression with the lines underneath it.

The lined cloud is just an old anger, still lingering.

How do I know?

It just comes to me without thinking. So I believe it. I could also say that I just feel these things, because they have that kind of energy in them, in their shapes, colors and textures, and they connect in my mind, when I listen very keenly, to the ideas that I expressed above. 

Something is growing in the green area and feels positive. If this picture was the description of an economical disaster and I had to choose a direction to go, to save everybody, I would go with the green. It feels to be going in a good direction. 

Maybe it is possible to say that some of the stones start moving. The blue definitely does. The lined cloud does not seem to have much power. Maybe the green is the first sign of something new growing? 

I did not say anything about the brown stone in the middle. It seems to be new, did not grow to become big yet, maybe not a big deal. Maybe it is the habit of the local cells to be in pain and struggle, and just starting to become a fixed shape?

The deer

On the snow covered

Mountains

Knows

That autumn is near

From the echo

Of his

Own voice.

This is the picture for this post.

It is a free translation from Hebrew of a haiku by Leah Goldberg, an Israeli poet. She is not alive any more.

I just remembered it.

I know we are heading into summer. But I felt like this deer on the top of a desolate mountain, when I was in the gap.

I’ll tell you what happened in the gap time.

I had a sexual storm.

I felt the urge to have sex. With it came a lot of guilt, shame and fear. Since I am dealing with it now, everything appeared strong and clear. I made many drawings and wrote many poems. Some were the most pornographic things I have ever dared to write. Some were so sad that I cried. I looked at all of that and saw that there was no love in it. There was the pain of the lack of love.

In everything that I do there is love involved, and the sexual area is the only one where, until now, instead of love there were the sense of deprivation, shame, guilt and fear, no matter what I did. OK, not only. But there are in my subconscious mind some deposits of these feelings and now they are under a magnifying glass. There is a sense of longing for love, and deep sorrow for not having it, again, no matter how much love I received and how much sex I had or didn’t have. This is why I started with a poem about loneliness.

All these drawings and writings did something to move these old habitual patterns in the mind and disentangle them from their attachment to the idea of me.

Then something happened.

I suddenly felt great love to all the people who suffer like me. I saw how similar we are in our longing to be loved through sex. We all had our reasons for the feelings that we have, and they may be different from each other. But we all die to be loved. And maybe, in a deeper way, we all die to be able to give love through sex. This is the clue: To give love through everything that we choose to do. And what is love? It is a complete acceptance of who we are and the other is. Because a complete acceptance allows for change. Change that happens in this way means that old constricting patterns leave us, and our natural flow becomes who we are. 

So here is the thought that I have now:

All that is healthy and natural happens on its own, if nothing stops it from happening. I cannot create by will what the healthy and happy state is. But if I allow everything that stands in the way to leave me, into that space that opens, the natural state will stream, just as the feeling of love came into me before. 

In the next posting or postings I’ll go through this process and you will see how I do it.

Obviously, I do much more than what appears in the blog. It is impossible to include everything that I do for my evolution and healing. You saw how much could be written about only three drawings, coming to investigate what is found in an empty space. And I could even go on. So now there is a gap. I have gone much further. Trying to catch up seems useless, since life is here now. Whatever is lost, is lost. Maybe some parts of this time will appear on their own when I deal with what is now. 

I get up this morning disoriented. I don’t know where I am. The whole day stretches in front of me, asking: What will you do with me now? What do you want? Where are you? I don’t know. I have plans. There are so many things that I want to do. But there is some confusion in me. I need to become clear. 

I draw this: 

Busy inside the cells

I collect words and sentences. I scramble. With the words in the new order I make sentences. With no much effort they become a succession of meaningful sentences. Here they are:

In detailed elaboration

He pushes in front of him the tired

Blessing flags.

The love in the all

Fills the fields

With loads of successful agriculture.

The good eternal earth is there.

And even if he may feel

A bit clogged

There is growth inside of his cells

There is busy activity inside of him

Gracefully and humbly

Building his vivid core.

That’s encouraging, isn’t it? Now I am better prepared to tackle my day. It is good to know what is happening in my subconscious.

After the end of the road, the impossible.

Today is an important day for me, friends.

I have decided to change the direction of this blog. Promising to cure myself right here in front of your eyes is too stressful and it is not a good life to live with this stress. Instead I am going to work my way to deeply and fully accept my condition, as it is and wherever it goes. And I am also going to use my life, when I do and when I do not deal with the pain and the illness, to fully and deeply be who-I-am. 

In the last weeks I saw my condition getting worse. It is not that I am not doing good work, finding and releasing subconscious programs that I do not need any more. But for a reason that I do not know I am getting more numb over large parts of my hands, and my legs become harder to move. The pain also gets stronger. 

This morning I woke up with a short dream. In it I was with a ten year old kid. He was sitting on the toilet. He was paraplegic. He could not move his legs and his hands were weak. I had to help him sit on the toilet. When he finished, I’d have to wipe his behind. I was hugging his feet and telling him that I loved him very much but I was moving my head away now because I could not take the smell. 

In order to fully accept my condition, whether it is better or worse, and even when it is terrifyingly painful, I need to be in a deeper state and witness my condition from there. This is what intuitive flow enables. There are other ways indeed to do this, and at night, when I do not draw, or at times when I am away from paper and paints, I will use any other ways that work for me. 

Rededication:

I am rededicating this blog to the deep and full acceptance of my experiences, every single moment. I am giving up both hope and resistance.

Complete as it is

I learned healing-from-far in a course that was given by an organization called Consciousness Research. The organization was created by Laurence LeShan, as part of his research into the possibility of non-local communication and influence. The experiment succeeded and the organization stayed intact and continued teaching how to heal from far, for many years.

After we learned how to do it, we worked on each other, to practice what we learned. People had very vivid visions when they went through both being healed and giving healings. As I was seeing myself soaring higher and higher into the sky, passing the towers of a church and a Tibetan saint sitting on a cloud, the woman who did the healing on me saw this:

Two white eagles came to us. Each of us climbed on the back of one eagle. The white eagles flew to the sun. They entered an open gate in the sun and flew through a long corridor to the center of the sun. In the center was a big altar. We dismounted the eagles. In the middle of the altar stood a sculpture of an erect penis. Two people stood on both sides of this sculpture. One of them was my mother and the other was my father. Both of them (already dead at that time) let us know that they loved me very much. After they said this, we climbed the eagles again and they brought us back to the room.

The two green shapes in the depth layer of the drawing remind me of my mother and father. My healing from the pain, I have a tendency to believe now, has to do with accepting who-I-am, including the sexual side, with all my heart.

I have aspirations. But I have to start my path from where I am. And maybe the mere acceptance of myself as I am will cause it to change. This is how it happens always. Everything that is being fully accepted, changes into something else.

Walking meditation

I was a Chinese monk. Many years ago, before this lifetime, I was a Chinese Buddhist monk. I saw myself in deep meditation as one. In the vision, I was doing walking meditation, which is a way to learn to be deeply aware even when we are in action.

By the way: According to Anat Baniel, as written in her book: “Move into life”, (Harmony Books, New York), when we move slowly with awareness, the brain creates many new connections, and rearranges its pathways of information. A whole better level of vitality ensues, just from doing this. Even happiness and creativity improve from just doing this.

When I asked energy healers to help me heal, two of them saw that I was a monk in China, and they knew one more important thing. They knew that I took the vow of celibacy. Even nowadays, if you want to be a Buddhist monk in the Chinese tradition, you need to take this vow.

At the time when I did it, it may have been a sign of determination and dedication to the path of freedom from all limitations. Until today I have the tendency to jump into decisions that are very challenging, just because I feel beauty in them (Look at this blog). I did not take that vow because I was free of sexual desire or in such a deep state that compared to this state’s deep peace and fulfillment, sex was not as attractive and compelling as it is for us normally. So there had to be a degree of suppression involved in this decision to be celibate. This vow remained with me through lives after lives and interfered with the normal movement of sexual energy. If I wanted to have sex, I felt that I was doing something wrong, that I betrayed my teachers, and that I had to be ashamed for wanting it.

Throughout my life, soon after having sex, I had visions of a furious mob coming to kill me. This may belong to other sexual adventures I had in other lives. When I did regression to former lives to find events that had to do with my pain, I saw myself being chased by a mob for having seen the naked queen somewhere. One person threw a javelin at me and it penetrated my foot exactly where I have the pain now.

I know that many people do not believe in reincarnation and they are right, because they have not seen it, and it is hard to find a proof for it. I have seen my previous lives in meditation so for me it is not a big deal. But I want to make something clear. It is not necessary to believe in reincarnation, in order to have or do good therapy. This is my process here, and these are the things that come up for me.

The screen and what's behind it

 And still I did not tell you what I saw in that third drawing. So here it is.

Obviously there is a screen like thing that stands between the viewer, and what is happening in a deeper level of the picture. This is easy to see. The ease of seeing is a natural product of working with intuitive flow. It creates clarity, because thinking does not interfere with its process.

To me, even without going-in-with-words, it has become clear that there is a whole busy layer of thought patterns that create constant buzz, and tries to prevent me from clearly seeing what is inside, and is more important. So since what is inside is more important, why won’t we just not deal with this shallow layer that is in the way, and look through it? If we resolve the deeper layer, this screen will fall down on its own anyway. It will not be needed.

 What I see there is a conflicted feeling about sex. The three shapes for me were penises. Two, hesitatingly came in green, which for me feels healthy and normal. One, the bigger, is grey and gives a feeling of heaviness, gloominess, discomfort, only a shadow and not the thing itself. So here you have it.

And two stories have to come now. One is about something that happened long, long ago (Entry 14). The other is about a healing session with two white eagles (Entry 15).

And again: what is the logic behind doing all that I am doing here on this blog?

The body automatically heals itself if nothing stops it from doing it. The body actually is being created all the time from nothingness. It has a blueprint structure that it wants to adhere to. This blueprint is energetic and it is the way this body can be if everything is OK. But usually not everything is OK. We have a lot of hidden mental processes that contradict the blueprint. So the energy of creation is forced to go in different ways than the ideal and we start having problems with the body. My pain is the result of unsettled thought patterns that contradict my blueprint. I am searching in my subconscious for everything that is not settled and I allow these conflicts to dissolve and disappear. One day I’ll hit on the right one, or maybe it will be an accumulation of many such unsettled thought patterns, and suddenly the energy of creation will stream perfectly through my system and the pain will disappear.

I want to show through this blog that this is true, that it works and that it is beautiful.

Near and far

I owe you going back to this drawing. It was made as a third interpretation of what was in that empty space, where the blue lines did not enter.

Remember, I was not satisfied with the first drawing, but I went into it with words anyway. I felt a bit better when I did the second drawing. But only after I did this one I felt that I could rest. In fact, only by coming to this satisfaction was I able to look back at drawing number one and do the intuitive wording game with it.

This process, on its own, is healing, even without any words or observations made. The reason is that this process, of going from being dissatisfied by what I drew to being satisfied is, as I see it, is a search for the beautiful. It is not for the idea of beauty or any philosophical claim. It is not even for something that is true for everybody. No. It is searching for my own beauty. It is a worthwhile search. Only when my sense of beauty, relating to the space inside of that bunch of blue confused lines, was fulfilled, I knew that something good happened and I felt satisfaction.

The trip I took through these three images is from being involved in the emotions to being involved in being a witness, meaning, being in a deeper state, seeing whatever is there in the subconscious, and accepting it. What is seen from being involved with the emotions is true, but not satisfying. The second drawing expressed this feeling of dissatisfaction (and helped me get rid of this feeling as I drew it). The third brought me into a deeper state, in which I saw the truth from a deeper perspective. This was satisfying. It is a step in growth. You can do this too, with everything that you feel.

I promised somewhere that simpler ways to look at myself will show up later, and here it is. This is the simplest. You just go on drawing about a situation or a feeling or anything, doing it in an intuitive flow way of course, and this moves you to a better state.

Why is it a better state?

Because there is no struggle in it. There is no trying to change anything. There is acceptance. This is love. Don’t you wish to be loved like this by your parents and friends? No matter what you do, you are accepted, without any need to change anything, just being as you are. Doing this process is practicing giving yourself love by being in a deeper, wiser place and accepting what is truly going on. This acceptance is not conceptual. It is not a result of a decision. It just happens naturally in that state.

I asked about beauty and art in my first post. Here beauty starts to be connected with being in a deeper state, being a witness, loving myself, allowing whatever happens happen. And art starts to be connected to an intuitive flow.