Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category



101. As a child in wonder

As a child in wonder

As a child in wonder

With a strong trunk

Connected to the ground

It makes a circle

And grows in all directions

It is full of life

Creating quite a stir

Even places that were broken

Grow

It looks at the world

As a child

In wonder

It takes its space

With grace

It dances smoothly

Through it all.

 

Is it about me, following life as it lives itself through pain and nerve growth, becoming curious about itself?

Is it about the pain, going along with the growing nerves, being curious about what will happen next?

Is it about both of us?

After all, Who is cerating the pain?

When the nerves grow they hurt. So I heard. So I seem to experience. If I walk too much when they feel better, they feel worse afterward.

But does it really have to be that way?

Can I change this?

In that case, Just drawing it with intuitive flow and writing in the same way, coming to know the thinking and imagining part of it a bit closer, releases this thinking  from its hold on my idea of me and the world and the ways that they behave.

It is hard to define the “me” here. I suspect it is made of such ideas as above, collected throughout life, associated with one another and stay as a strange collection that keeps pushing us to live inauthentic lives, and so is the world.

100. In his face

The wind blows in his face

The wind blows in his face

The goat stood on two legs

And the rider is falling

The grass shows

That the wind is blowing

In his face.

99.The awakening of curiosity

Twice this night I came to this table, made drawings and went in with words. The nerves are now closer to the surface and burn all the time. Sometimes I can take it and sometimes I can’t. But even when I can’t, I take, because there is nothing that can be done. The salves that I have and used to help a little don’t affect the pain more than in an insignificant way. So I almost fall asleep, because I am so tired after many nights like this, and wake up with a peak of pain that I cannot take.

In most cases I find something that I can do in a meditative way, to calm the body down at least. Then I fall asleep. But this night it was hard, as it has been for a few weeks now. Maybe it is the tiredness that makes it hard. I try to think a thought that will make me feel better and imagine something that makes me feel good, but I am very tired and start to be upset. What is going on, I want to know? So many times I thought that the end has come already, and yet the pain just increases. When will it end?

Yesterday I had a hint that I have to be patient. We have a pot with daffodils that we got as a present in Christmas. Until yesterday there was no sign of growth. There are five of them in the pot and all had a short, one inch, thick, green shoot coming out of the bulb. This did not change for almost three months. Every morning I gave them a little bit of water. Yesterday morning I watered them again. They still looked the same. I gave up on them. I saw other daffodils growing already in other places. In the afternoon I saw them again and one of them had grown that green shoot by two inches between morning and afternoon. And I thought: I can take this as a hint that I have to be patient. It seems that the breakthrough has not happened for me yet, but it will, when something will be right, as it was for that daffodil.

In both drawings, when I went in with words, the text just came as it is, without any scrambling or manipulation. I added a couple of connecting words to the first text and erased two words in the second.

The hot wind blew

The hot wind blew

Nothing.

The hot wind blew everything away

All became dust

In the air

Yes, there was an emotion there

That the wind blew

With pieces of the green of the earth

A few specks of soil

The oceans

And the melancholy moans.

 I officially declare and acknowledge

That this is what

Transpired.

Something happens in the sky

Something happens in the sky

Something beautiful

And terrible

Happens in the sky

All the words that I have

Will do nothing with this

I have no words

I am wounded

I am denied normal life

And understanding

It is beyond me

Do things fall apart

Or come together?

I do not know.

I still don’t know what is going on, but something does happen and I feel a little better after doing the process, maybe because my curiosity has been triggered.

And here, in these last words hides one of the secrets of healing. We think that in order for a healing to be, the pain or any other manifestation has to change. But the real healing is never in that change. Rather, the change is a result of the awakening of the true self. The awakening of curiosity is the healing here.

98. When the head finally falls

I am going through a strange time.

On one hand the ability to feel in my feet grows more and more every day. I start having longer periods without pain. It is going to happen. I have brought my psyche to a state that allows my body to heal from Neuropathy and neuropathic pain. I allowed intuition to show me what was blocking my healing ability and it took me to places I would not have been able to go to without the art process and its reading. I accepted the strangest ideas that showed up and allowed them to become loose and leave me, opening the space for better inner experiences.

On the other hand I am going through a seesaw of good mood and sad mood, up and down. And the events in my life go along with these moods.

One day I have a new client calling. The next day they cancel. One week I have more income than I had in a long time. In the next week two or three clients cannot come for one reason or another. I am still in some kind of a struggle, even though I see the futility of it. I know there is no need for struggle. It is my habitual patterned subconscious mind, with the game that I came here to earth to play, not wanting to let go of its mission.

There are two ways to come out of it. The first is to imagine living in better states and be so convincing to the subconscious that it takes on new thoughts and beliefs, instead of the old ones, which have created my life now. This can happen, and happens in the best way for me through the drawing process. It happens so well because I allow my intuition to guide me to what I want to live, instead of what I have lived. My intuition shows me what is best for me. And I love to be in touch with it.

The other way is to peel off the mask from what we call reality, to see that it is not real, that it is being created by yours truly all the time as some kind of a crazy game, in which I, the endless I, enjoy all the emotional calamities, as if they were the best delicacies in the world. This too happens in the best way for me through the drawing process, through which I let go of more and more mind-stones, and clear the way, quite easily, for intuition to stream lovingly through. This is the tearing down of the mask from the face of reality.

So the same process does these two things.

I have written about this before, and have gone through this process successfully many times, and I still have to do it.

Here is today’s craziness report.

Image

The body is like a mountain

In the early morning

When it is cold

The head is like a heavy rock

That can fall

Any minute

The palm trees are like thorns

In the end of summer

Dry and stiff

There will be a lot of noise

When the head

Finally falls.

97. I have been awake for a while

I have been awake for a while. The color of the sky in the little corner of my window starts changing. I sit at the window seat and look toward the east, along the street that leads to the hospital. I see the lights of the emergency cars, big and blinding. I sense the energy of this area, near the entrance to the emergency room. It is filled with fear and worry and a heroic fight against the fear and the worry, which only makes them stronger, as this is the nature of the mind. And far, way far from the end of the street, even beyond the top branches of the trees lining Sunnyside Park, this is where the real drama happens now. The colors are coming into the day.

I make tea and sit on the window seat for a short while. I am not sure what it is that I am feeling. I go to my studio. Intuition leads me to use only the colors that have remained in the mixing compartments of the watercolor box from years of mixing colors in them (See the box’s picture in entry #58). Some of them are there still from the children’s book “The Miracle of the Potato Latkes” done many years ago, using this watercolor box and the same paper that I am using now (Rives BFK, Moulin du Gue). Every time I use the colors from these compartments I remember that book. It was a strong experience, an adventure and a mystery too to make a whole book by dipping a wet brush in little cakes of color and transferring pigments to a piece of paper, which is also a miracle of thin fibers holding on to each other and carrying on them the marks that I make. And these created a story and generated emotions that made children want to do things, like explore their lives, explore their emotions, feel love and wonder.

I draw. Here is the drawing.

Little children with love

Little children with love

You’d think that by now I’d know what to do with it, but I don’t. I try to look at the big picture and this is what I write, to help me see:

Mainly two parts.

One is a group of differents (The computer dictionary disagrees but I leave the word as it is)

Taking roots

And playing together

Not knowing what’s going on with them (just like me).

The second is love coming from the left

Softly touching

Saying I’m here, I’m loving.

And together, the children start growing

And are full of wonder

Allowing their truth come into them

Fill their bodies

 And activate them

To live as wonder

And love.

96. Up and down, up and away

Crazy times for me.

Not everything is explainable, because reality falls apart.

There is going up to a good mood and then an old habitual sadness/bitterness washes over me. Then again the mood turns, this time into wonder and then reality starts falling apart.

That’s where I am, folks.

Drawing one:

Strikingly decorated

Strikingly decorated

The bird

Was strikingly decorated

And had

A very smart eye

She ate only cones of sugar

And that’s why

There was some confusion

In the way she uttered her words

In a bird like way

She flew

Along the rainbow

In the sky that is inside of all things

She had a golden glow

On the feathers of her chest

The dream that she had

About the engine that runs everything

Made her smile in waves

Like an introverted clown.

The second drawing:

The guarded house

The guarded house

Under the sky of a dark rule

I worked hard

At the river

I saw

A little soft field

With lovely sky above it

Tinged with blood

It is hard to move through the density of the trees

It is hard to enter the angry, guarded house

But when I’m in

Will she be the one who’ll save me?

Or will she be the one

Who will condemn me to death?

The third drawing:

Te world is just behind your forehead

The world is just behind your forehead

What is inside

Is projected out

A fog, like a rage, very much subdued

Just above the eyes

Is out as many things

All collected for your perusal

A rock in a white courtyard

Is a thought

The desert

The golden sand

The striking sky that turns from deep blue to grey

And the distant mountains

Are nothing

But a beautiful cloud

Inside of the forehead.

The forth drawing:

The conductor with the baton of lightning

The conductor with the batons of lightning

The big bird is dancing and falling

The little boy plays with a lizard

The fish learns to fly

The Indian chief

Rows a canoe in the shape of a catfish

Going backwards

The alien alligator holds a branch in its jaw

The roots swim in the water

And all of this happens

Because the conductor holds two batons

Made of lightning.

95. The letter “g”

The letter "g"

The letter "g"

I see it is about the letter “g”

And it is me

Am I falling?

Am I struggling to survive?

Am I becoming a blur of nice colors?

Nice story, fellow

Was nice to meet with you here

On earth.

94. The swan song of the pain

Calligraphy

Calligraphy

Like calligraphy

As if it is a piece of writing

About something intense

That faded out

About pain that is now breaking apart

About new growth

That had a hard time growing

Because of the weight it carried

About an old support

That is now

Only a shadow of itself

About interactions

That seem to work as a story

How he escaped in shame

How he was wounded and lamenting

How he suddenly remembered a sad occasion

How he moved through villages in the fog

How he was like a child, discovering air

How everything kept disappearing

And only a feeling of growth and amazement

Continued

The essence of which is

Truth.

93. A stream in formlessness

Still waking up at night. At 2:30 AM I go to my studio. It still bothers me that I have pain, though it bothers much less than it did before. I know my question to Int.: What do I need to know?

Here is the drawing.

A strem in formlessness

A stream in formlessness

 And the text:

My pain is what remains after the suffering.

Melancholy stories emanated from each other

As I walked along all those routs

How dramatic

What beauty and sadness

I saw

All of it happened on our green land

To which we were connected

Seamlessly

How beautiful it was

To be seeking the light inside of the sad

The water puddles that you see

Are remnants of the floods

Which were lives I lived

As a stream in formlessness.

A few thoughts:

Pain is what remains AFTER the suffering: Maybe I have cleared enough of the suffering for healing to happen, but the cells of the area have become habituated to behave in a certain way or react to signals in the way that they developed when the damage occurred. It may also be that the memory which keeps the pain has to do with nerve cells and even cells in the brain, that became habituated to react in this way when getting certain thoughts or emotional signals. If this is the case I need to communicate directly with these cells and allow them to return to normal functioning. I know it may sound strange to some people, but I believe it is possible to communicate with cells and agree with them on a way to change. After all, they have intelligence.

The next seven lines talk about the choice to live on earth and to have dramas and beautiful experiences, all based on feeling limited and longing to be limitless.

Seeking the light inside of the sad is how we start our way out of this dream of limited life. Finding light inside of the sad is the only way to start and the only way to finish. The light is our intuition, our art, our inner honesty, all of them are appearances of the truth. And of course, becoming a witness to the truth is the greatest healing experience, because it clarifies to us that all that we have experienced in the lives that we lived was a choice that can be changed. This is what freedom means.

The last lines again speak of effects that were left behind issues that basically have left. They are habitual energy and maybe some fear of being without all that I have believed in for so long and all that I trusted and have strived to accomplish.

92. Triple whammy

I learn from different people how to manifest.

In order to manifest what you choose to manifest you need to have a good feeling associated with what you want, and you have to believe that it will happen and expect it. And more: you need to clear your subconscious from all the ideas that oppose what you want to manifest. How do you do it?

I am determined to find the way to manifest through my method. It makes sense. If my method is good at clearing habitual mental patterns and allowing intuition come in, to be the creator of my life instead of these patterns, then it must be good at manifesting.

So these are my thoughts now.

Maybe it is best to start with a drawing.

I need to know where I am now, meaning what is the picture in my subconscious? What is going on there?

I draw. You know already that I do not know what I am drawing when I draw. I just become attuned to my sense of beauty. That’s it. There was a point in the process of making this drawing when I thought that it was finished. But I felt the impulse to add more things tugging at me and I agreed to go along. I am glad I did. Sometimes you like the way things are already and do not want to change them, but you have to listen to your int.

There is a cloud above us

There is a cloud above us

Now came collecting thoughts about what I saw in the drawing, mixing them and making this poem by adding some words here and there to make everything work with some logic. The initial collection of sentences placed them already in an order that made sense. But I challenged myself to mix the sentences and not leave them as they were. It was too simple, and I wanted to play and have something unexpected.

So here it is:

As we long to the light

And to the place

Where there is wonderful clear air

We emanate pain and sadness

We hide behind these

With tales of wars and heroes

There is a cloud above us

Everybody says

As if we do not know

Shivering as we are

And being only humans

That there is more.

What do you do with this?

Basically you don’t have to do anything. But haven’t I decided to manifest?

What happened? I looked at my subconscious and found longing, pain and sadness. I also found that there is some knowing that there is more than what we see. Seeing the sad scene may have tipped my mood to sadness, if it was just looking. But it was not. It was looking while using the sense of beauty. This made a big difference. The details of what is there, at this moment, in my subconscious mind did not change but the way I looked at them found beauty in this scene. Finding beauty, I disentangled myself from the drama of wanting to experience the light and emanating sadness and pain. I became uninvolved with that. I found beauty.

If I could make war with the sadness and win, then go and bask in the light that I longed to have, it would be one kind of good feeling, one that is made of comparisons. It comes from the belief that one condition is better than the other, and therefore, I should fight the bad and get the good. The joy of victory is relative and does not build a foundation for happiness, because when the conditions change and sadness comes again, I am back in the same fight. Doesn’t it feel like the life that we all know?

But experiencing beauty is different. The deep, rich, subtle satisfaction of experiencing it, even though it makes less noise than a victory, is much more powerful. It is the joy of being who-you-are, trusting who-you-are and inviting it to manifest into the world.

In victory there is no harmony, because the “enemy” is not really conquered. It is hiding and getting ready to appear again and haunt you. In finding beauty there is no victory but fulfillment that is unattached to circumstances. It is in fact a release of yourself from the tyranny of the circumstances.

So how does this belong to manifesting?

People want to manifest different things. But if the things that they manifest do not belong to their purpose or the special, unique talent that they came to the world with, they will not be happy really. It will be more like a victory. It is possible to be a victor and bring something that one wants into the world of reality. But to be happy is something else.

So if the only way to be happy is to be authentic, then how does one become authentic? By disentangling from circumstances. When you do that, your truth comes in and activates you in the way that fulfills.

Then, you experience the joy of being fulfilled and being involved in doing what is your special talent, and because you experience it you believe it and expect it to happen again. And this is exactly why it will happen again. And here is your manifesting. You manage to bring into your experience what you really love doing.

It may not be what others think is good, but it is your special way to be fulfilled, the only one that can bring you lasting happiness.

So here is what I have just realized. When people go through healing by using  intuitive flow and their sense of beauty, they heal, they evolve by becoming less limited by what were their limiting beliefs and they manifest what they truly want.

It is a triple whammy.


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The healing process

Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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