Posts Tagged 'body'



228. Imprisoned in his own choice

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In this painting there are three major systems:

  1. The lines, which are in purple, olive green and one little line is in blue.
  2. The areas of color that appear to be behind the lines.
  3. The red areas that are inside of shapes, delineated by some of the purple lines.

Many times it is enough to describe with words what you see in a picture, to know what it is about. This indeed is one of the ways to read art.

Here:

The system of lines that has its story, appears on the background of nothing. The story may be that the lines describe something, that some of them do something to other lines, that some are purple and some are in other colors, etc. The background of nothing is the white that has no features except that there are no colors and no shapes in it.

The system of colored areas appears behind the line system. The colored shapes system has its own story. It is not being told in continuous lines or shapes. Things appear mostly unconnected. But you can feel relationships. For example, you can feel that all the greens belong to each other because of having the same color. All the shapes, because of their general outline, which is softly rounded, without sharp points or angles, all of them are of the same kind. This whole system appears in the same proximity of the lines system, and therefore the two systems seem to be related to each other, as if they are parts of the same thing. How about seeing this as a person and his emotional system. (Here I went beyond just describing what I see. I added an idea that seemed to make sense to me.)

There is one shape among the colored areas that is different. It is the blue one that looks like a river or a road. It goes from close to us to another place far away that we do not see. This may be the path of life on which we float with ease or with struggles. (again, an interpretation. It can be something else too. But something that leads the eye far away, to where you cannot see the end, these can be seen.)

Now let’s take the reds, which got caught within some of the purple lines that created closed shapes. Usually in the picture, the lines go freely to wherever they go. They describe shapes, that you have a feeling are not finally determined. These shapes still can grow, shrink or move. But these areas that caught the red inside of them seem to be more final. Their muscles are stretched and tense, holding the red and preventing it from changing. This is where the happily and freely flowing human system is becoming hard and inflexible. This goes against the nature of free flow and therefore it is the place of suffering.

And all of this appears to play in an environment of no features (the white). This is not a physical portrait in a realistic environment. It is the inner experience of life, created in awareness and experienced in awareness, done and felt in the same moment. Doing and experiencing here are not separate.

And if you see that, where do you choose to place your identification? What part do you choose to be?

Here is another way to look at it:

There are two big systems that relate to each other harmoniously. There is no event  in that. Only a continuous flow. The two systems can go on and change together, every one of them in its own related way to the other. They can go on forever. But the minute the regularity is broken by an unusual behavior that occurred in a few parts, an event is created and it starts to be interesting. That’s life.

Where was the identification, when it happened?

It was in the parts that caught the red. “I must have this red in me,” said the ‘I’ who identified with these parts. Before, there was freedom there. But now the travelling ’I’ became imprisoned in his own choice.

 

127. The energies in the body and the thoughts that move them

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The intention was to paint the inside of all the shapes in the drawing, And to come out with the colors at the top of the shapes. First let me do the way that each color comes out and up a little bit from its designated area, I said to myself. These are the tricky areas. So let me do them first. But when I finished, it looked good to me just as it was. The strong contrast between the lines inside of the big areas (where the olive green lines are, where the other green lines are, where the red lines are, where the darker red areas are and where the blue lines are) and the white, gave these areas a lot of energy, and together with the way the lines curled and bent, as if they were in the middle of doing something, there was so much life inside if the shapes. I liked it and did not want to change.

So what do I get from this?

For me it feels like the energy of life inside of my body, about to explode. No. Not to explode, but to do something big, to do something loving and beautiful.

I looked at the drawing a day later and I still liked it. So it was time to sign.

****************

Everything is born out of thought.

My hand is the result of a thought. This is how it started and this is how it is being created again and again every very short time, like the way a movie is being created from some thirty pictures every second, that when shown continuously, look like something that moves naturally.

The thought that creates my hand has become a habit that is activated regularly. Based on another thought, which is the story of my life, images are chosen to create motion that will fit with the story of my life. I don’t know how all of this works, with all the details. If you want to understand it from the perspective of a human being, which is what we are of course, you will have many questions. And after they will be answered there will be so much more questions. The amount of details is beyond measure. We are dealing here with infinity, using our finite mind.

Whatever happened to my feet continues to happen so many times every minute. The minutes that have passed have gone out of my reach. Some people, who have the talent to see through the big consciousness of all of us, may visit these moments and see the process happening again. I think all of us can have (less controllable) access to past events in dreams, and in inner visions, connected to memories.

The habits of thoughts that keep creating the nerve damage and the resulting pain in my feet, started some 70 years ago. Do you think I need to visit that time in order to correct my thoughts and with the change of thought, the disease activity will stop?

But you see, the thoughts and the behavior of my energy, that creates this condition, are not those of seventy years ago. They happen right now, so many times every second. So it is enough to deal with what is here now.

There is still a lot to explore. But I’ll stop here. This is enough for one entry.

 

222. Who won’t twitch their feet when they are tickled?

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Thoughts/things

Maybe it is strange, but these days nothing is more pleasant to me than sitting quietly somewhere and watching the interface with the quiet space that is always there, seeing how a few moving things in my mind calm down, feeling the body relaxing and staying there.

A person passes in the street on his bicycle and I feel this somewhere in my energy field, as if it happens there. I feel a stirring of a little, very pleasant excitement and then it goes away. I see it as if it is a thought.

The quiet space is alive. If I tune in to it, I know, thoughts like the one that is a person on a bicycle, are moving in it. There are stirrings like this in different depths. They all belong to something infinite that lives its inner life in this way, creating interest and feeling it.

I suddenly understand babies, twitching their feet when they get excited. They experience the stir in the infinite space when their wordless thoughts move. They feel as if it is a tickle. And who won’t twitch their feet when they are tickled?

 

221. The explosion

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One of us complained about a headache. It was the evening talk on a retreat. We all sat around our master. And it was way into the night. When he finished talking this friend raised his hand and complained.

Your headache is just a wandering thought, the master said.

I don’t remember what was spoken after that because this sentence hit me strongly. I would not be able to explain it, but I knew that this was true.

I also had a headache. I was exhausted from the intense concentration that I used in my meditation all through the day.

Soon after the conversation ended we meditated again. The sentence repeated itself in my head. It is true, I thought. The way my body feels is a wandering thought. And just like with every other wandering thought, I can let it go.

Then there was an explosion in my neck. The head was blown away. The throat remained torn to scraps. I saw this clearly as I was floating in the air behind myself. I was very peaceful and in wonder. There was no time.

Now I understand some of it. The pain is a result of a thought. This is clear. Everything that we experience is a result of thoughts that we believe. The experience is not always exactly as we anticipate, but it always matches our vibrational state.

My teacher and many other teachers never explained this. They prefer to leave things mysterious. Or they do not want to give us the knowledge to change our reality. They want us to transcend it.

When I started the blog I knew that the pain and the malfunctioning of the body came from thoughts. I knew that if I released the beliefs that created the malfunctioning, the fundamental belief that creates the body in its healthy state would take back the controls and the body would heal. This is the direction that I took and there is the evidence for it in the blog. But I am still with the malfunction and the pain. Many times lately I felt desperate, tired of the struggle. I wanted to give up. But I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to rest. If it would lead to the death of the body than let it be so.

My essence, the truth of who I am, cannot be harmed.

I think part of my struggle is because I do not want to lose the fight with the powers that, as I imagined, wanted to block me from developing. This struggle belongs to a non-existent figure. I can let it go now. I wrote about this kind of struggle and I can write again in another entry. The interest in finding the way to heal myself should, as I truly believe and as I teach my clients, come from curiosity, playfulness, love, peace and joy. Coming from these energies that are the natural energy of all of us, it cannot be a struggle. It can only be a joy. There should not be a difference between the true expression of who I am and healing. In other words this means that in order to heal we need to be in the energy of the truth of who we are.

So I allowed myself to enter with my boat into the river of who I am, throw the oars away and let the stream take me.

All that I wrote after the end of the healing descriptions (after #58) was about living in the downstream direction.

When the pain is great I loose sight of this sometimes and the old I appears. Maybe I can allow the pain to kill me, bend me down and break me apart? Maybe I can let the head explode and disappear. I can live without a head.

214. The rebellion in the neck

An unsettled, settled man.

Contemplating head, stormy body and a rebellious neck

If this is a person, then his head looks as if it is planning something. But when you go down to the body, you find it quite emotional. My sense of structure cried out for some stability and this is why the pencil frames appeared, as building blocks that provide some stable interpretation of what is too raw and unplanned. In spite of the frames being so light, the emotions pay respect to them, and they do not go far away from the frames. Or you can say that the frames were sensitive to the rawness of the emotions and framed them only lightly.

In the neck, the free expression of the emotions has to change, so that the lower part can create a connection with the thinking mode of the head. And it is here that some rebellion happens (in blue). The emotions do not want to convert themselves into logic

What do you wish for this man?

That love will be the arranger of the expression of his life and its uniqueness.

And this whole picture explains why it is a bit hard for this person to speak right now. Voice comes from the neck, doesn’t it?

206. So close to the truth

Everything that I used to see as concrete is turning into states of moving energy.

More and more subtle

More and more subtle

I haven’t written for the blog for quite a long time.

The reason is that I am changing and for a while I lost the clear feeling of direction. I would wake up every morning and ask: Where am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going? I’m still doing it.

When I started this blog I was interested in reading my subconscious. I wanted to find everything that stood in the way of the free flow of joy and I wanted to release its hold on the subconscious.

More specifically I wanted to find the thought patterns that created the damage to the nerves of my feet, as you could read in the “about” page.

I thought I had found everything. But the pain is still with me and I know that I am still missing something. Actually I know what I am missing. I need to be in such a sate in which agreeing to suffer is impossible. A state in which word stories are seen through and known to be the illusion that creates illusions.

Some things worked wonderfully. I found some programs in the subconscious that were surprising to me. Again and again I had confirmations to the validity and value of this method that I came up with. I learned to trust it more and more. I explained how the method works a number of times in the blog, and I have written about it more in my book Opening Intuitive Flow Through Artwork. And I wrote about it in different discussion forums. Working so intensely on myself, by using this method, has made me a better therapist. I had a supervision group of art therapists and they learned to use this method too. I did workshops and taught others how to use it. I presented it in conferences and in lectures.

When I decided to stop the public demonstration of the work on the pain, I continued to do the work. I knew that there would be many repetitions as this always happens, and I did not want to describe these in the blog.

But writing the entries to this blog became something that I liked a lot, and I decided to change the purpose of the process that I showed in the blog to seeing how far such work can take me.

I had many glimpses of peace and joy and you could read about them as they happened. After a while my whole perspective has changed. I lost interest in my subconscious blocks. They lost their charm for me. When they come I just release them. The ropes that I saw on my path, and thought that they were snakes, as the Buddhist story tells, turned back into ropes. I still find it interesting to help my clients read their subconscious and release whatever stops them from being free and joyful. But for myself, I am not attracted to these any more.

In time I came to live with another kind of energy. I found myself in awe as I came to be in the presence of infinite peaceful space. It became easier and easier to get there, and my main focus started to be the investigation of this space. Just being there makes you happy without any perceivable reason. I realize that this is what I have to do. I have to be in this presence again and again, as it fixes everything that needs fixing. My clients changed too and nowadays most of them go through experiences that are like mine. They discover their inner voice and inner guidance. They find joy and playfulness when the fears and worries leave them.

Doing this blog, as it follows my adventure of going into myself is still one of the most exciting things for me to do, and you are moving with me to wherever my front line is. I appreciate you very much for being with me on this trip, like old friends.

Some changes have already taken place naturally and I am going on. Please feel comfortable to communicate, if you are moved to do so. Good to have you. Thank you.

197. Seventy

Transparency

Transparency

One day before, according to the Gregorian calendar, I am 70.

A good friend asked me how does it feel, and I did not have anything special to say.

It feels like something lived in this body, that is never the same body, and this body is almost transparent, it is not real. It floats in endless space, which is full of life and interest. Things happened to it. There are many stories about it and they seem to be lined up in some complete version, but even in this version there are many parts that have been forgotten, or that have been told in different ways over the years.

More and more and more I want to feel the endless.

There is a source for all that is experienced now.

187. Fear all over

Fear

Fear

It is a key drawing in the process of my relief from major programs in the subconscious. It describes fear. There is a body there and it is full of small waves of fear. The fear goes everywhere, the head, the chest, the hands the muscular stomach and the pelvis. There are three places where, it so happens, the lines in light brown are darker. These places are the head, the stomach and the crotch. These are the places where I feel fear, when it is clearer. Sometimes I also feel it in the heart and in the legs. But the fear I am talking about here covers the whole body and beyond. It is not strong, it is hardly felt, but it is there always, ready to be provoked.

It is a bit shocking for me to see that after all I have lived and done there is still fear somewhere in me at all. But it is so. This is what is discovered suddenly in this drawing that I did at around 4 in the morning. This is the way my body feels when it perceives being attacked so viciously by the pain. I did not know that it would come out in the drawing when I did it. I was just tuned in to my inner guidance.

When I finished the main structure in light brown it felt good to add pink in some places. These pink lines created the sense of fear. The brown lines described the tension.

I considered adding other colors inside of some shapes, but there was a strong feeling, when I thought about it, that the drawing did not need these. It could have changed the feeling in the drawing and this is exactly what I did not want to happen. I wanted to read the drawing as it was, without changes.

And this led to this discovery. There is so much fear in me when the pain comes. There is so much habitual creation of fear even before the pain comes. Mostly, it is very delicate and hard to catch. There is an expectation in me, somewhere in the big system of my being, for something bad and painful to happen soon. Life is dangerous for you, the fear says, and it arises, to prepare me for the approaching calamity. The expectation that something full of suffering is on its way is so strong that now, as my feet are healing, this fear prepares me for some other way of suffering that will soon appear. It already weaves stories that will explain why and how. I catch these swift, very quiet thoughts that predict that something else is starting to go wrong in my body. I catch them because I am aware. I catch everything that makes an inner noise. But this fear did not stand out because it was very delicate, encompassing all and always there. I never experienced my life without it. There is a tension that I feel in the back of my neck. Every time I become quiet, this tension is created. I was aware of this tension for years but never knew what it was an expression of. Now I know: It is this fear. Every time I got quiet something in me said: Wait, be careful, because something bad and painful is coming at you.

Now I know that this fear is what prevented me from enjoying playing music in front of others. When I was six years old I studied piano. In the end of the year came the concert for all the parents and fellow students. I learned a very modern piece, which was an Israeli song, arranged with very modern dissonance. I fell in love with the way the song sounded and it was a revelation to me. I still love dissonance today. My first beloved classical composer was Schoenberg. But when it came time to play the Israeli song before the audience I got frozen with fear. I lost the sense of beauty in the piece and the interest I had in it. I only felt extremely scared. This was this fear, the fear of being true to myself in front of others, the fear that something horrible will happen as soon as I relax into who I am.

I think this is the key to a lot of suffering that people have, where it seems very hard to detect the source of the suffering. It is something that these people were born with and never had experienced life without it. They are used to live with this feeling in them and therefore it is very hard for them to feel it. But there is a way to find and release it, as you see. It is by getting into a deeper state, which is what I did by drawing intuitively, and witnessing the fear from that state. How come I have only found it now? I have been practicing being aware of how I feel and choosing to feel better. My vibrations rose, and the fear stood out as being of lower vibrations.

172. Change

 

The old habits are transparent

The old habits are transparent

Light takes the place of flesh

And we see

A light being

Love

Has made the change

 

The old body is bent

The old features slowly move

The habits

Have become

Transparent

 

An inside change

Is taking place

A new program is installed

The old stone foundation

Is fading out.

163. A cloud of resistance

I feel as if there is a cloud in my head. I don’t feel like doing anything. I am not pulled by anything. I feel tired. My eyes almost close. What to do? I can sleep. But I choose to make a drawing.

A cloud of resistance

A cloud of resistance

There are five systems in the drawing: the brown, the ochre, the pink, the red in the sky that cannot really be called a system, and the pencil lines.

The pink has the association of body and touching. These are the associations that I have.

The ochre has the association of sand of the deserts around Israel of my youth. Very small particles of this sand used to fly in the air with hot winds, coming from the east. We called these winds Hamsin. It is an Arabic word. I don’t know what it means (something about heat I’m sure) but this was the name that was given to these hot winds from the deserts that brought the sand particles. They flew in the air and would get through any crack and fill the homes with dust.

The dark brown reminds me of mud, of wet earth, and brings associations of the holocaust and wet earth after heavy rains, earth that sticks to your shoes and is hard to get rid of. It slows you down and makes you heavy and wet, from the rain that continues to fall on you.

The red is wounding and maybe death. I think of the death of my father in the war.

The pencil lines are nerves and irritation.

As I write about the associations, my mind opens more and I start to notice the way all the lines entangle themselves with each other to create some kind of a net, a disorganized net. And what connects all the parts? Associations. One thing reminds of another and so on. These are what create this cloud that floats low above the ground and blocks the view.

Then I notice that the blockage is not leak proof. There are little holes and you may be able to look trough them. Sometimes, with clients I invite them to look through similar holes in their blockages and we see what is being kept away. But it is the blockage, the stuff that makes the blockage, which wants to be listened to now.

Suddenly, from all this observing, from becoming more open, I get the big picture. This is a result of having done this many times before, and having seen beyond the blockages many times too. There is infinite freedom beyond this point. All of these parts and associations are the way fear tries to prevent me from letting go of my past and all the ideas that block happiness.

What came to me is to blow it away. I do and in my mind it goes away quite easily. After having seen it so many times, it does not matter what was the content of all these ideas that intertwined with each other. I know there is no reality to them now, so why would I bother. Well, maybe I enjoy finding what they came from, each and every one of them?

I think I do.

But it does not compare to freedom, does it?


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Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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