Posts Tagged 'experience'



224.What really happens when we do not pay attention?

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In the foreground there is a gate and above it is the agitated activity of the lines that look like branches of a tree. When we come to the blue lines in the upper part, the character of the lines changes and becomes more like the movements of playing, wondering and inventing. See that?

The gate is closed, and some parts of it are broken, its color is light and there is no fence or a wall that the gate can open or close. It is only an idea that we cannot go in. In truth we can.

If we go in, we find strange, mysterious shapes that play together. They are trying to frighten us, maybe, but chuckle at the same time.

Both in the front parts and in the back parts, as we go up, we find more openness, more freedom and a suggestion of an infinite space.

In the front we have the more shallow aspects of life, the drama, the nervousness, the ideas of restriction. In the deeper part we find playfulness, joy and an interface with the endless.

Who is the protagonist in the picture?

Who invents the stories the dramas and the restrictions?

Who enjoys the game of the shapes inside?

222. Who won’t twitch their feet when they are tickled?

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Thoughts/things

Maybe it is strange, but these days nothing is more pleasant to me than sitting quietly somewhere and watching the interface with the quiet space that is always there, seeing how a few moving things in my mind calm down, feeling the body relaxing and staying there.

A person passes in the street on his bicycle and I feel this somewhere in my energy field, as if it happens there. I feel a stirring of a little, very pleasant excitement and then it goes away. I see it as if it is a thought.

The quiet space is alive. If I tune in to it, I know, thoughts like the one that is a person on a bicycle, are moving in it. There are stirrings like this in different depths. They all belong to something infinite that lives its inner life in this way, creating interest and feeling it.

I suddenly understand babies, twitching their feet when they get excited. They experience the stir in the infinite space when their wordless thoughts move. They feel as if it is a tickle. And who won’t twitch their feet when they are tickled?

 

221. The explosion

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One of us complained about a headache. It was the evening talk on a retreat. We all sat around our master. And it was way into the night. When he finished talking this friend raised his hand and complained.

Your headache is just a wandering thought, the master said.

I don’t remember what was spoken after that because this sentence hit me strongly. I would not be able to explain it, but I knew that this was true.

I also had a headache. I was exhausted from the intense concentration that I used in my meditation all through the day.

Soon after the conversation ended we meditated again. The sentence repeated itself in my head. It is true, I thought. The way my body feels is a wandering thought. And just like with every other wandering thought, I can let it go.

Then there was an explosion in my neck. The head was blown away. The throat remained torn to scraps. I saw this clearly as I was floating in the air behind myself. I was very peaceful and in wonder. There was no time.

Now I understand some of it. The pain is a result of a thought. This is clear. Everything that we experience is a result of thoughts that we believe. The experience is not always exactly as we anticipate, but it always matches our vibrational state.

My teacher and many other teachers never explained this. They prefer to leave things mysterious. Or they do not want to give us the knowledge to change our reality. They want us to transcend it.

When I started the blog I knew that the pain and the malfunctioning of the body came from thoughts. I knew that if I released the beliefs that created the malfunctioning, the fundamental belief that creates the body in its healthy state would take back the controls and the body would heal. This is the direction that I took and there is the evidence for it in the blog. But I am still with the malfunction and the pain. Many times lately I felt desperate, tired of the struggle. I wanted to give up. But I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to rest. If it would lead to the death of the body than let it be so.

My essence, the truth of who I am, cannot be harmed.

I think part of my struggle is because I do not want to lose the fight with the powers that, as I imagined, wanted to block me from developing. This struggle belongs to a non-existent figure. I can let it go now. I wrote about this kind of struggle and I can write again in another entry. The interest in finding the way to heal myself should, as I truly believe and as I teach my clients, come from curiosity, playfulness, love, peace and joy. Coming from these energies that are the natural energy of all of us, it cannot be a struggle. It can only be a joy. There should not be a difference between the true expression of who I am and healing. In other words this means that in order to heal we need to be in the energy of the truth of who we are.

So I allowed myself to enter with my boat into the river of who I am, throw the oars away and let the stream take me.

All that I wrote after the end of the healing descriptions (after #58) was about living in the downstream direction.

When the pain is great I loose sight of this sometimes and the old I appears. Maybe I can allow the pain to kill me, bend me down and break me apart? Maybe I can let the head explode and disappear. I can live without a head.

202. Up or down

Up or down?

Up or down?

What do we see?

One complexity is flying up in the sky, above another complexity. Maybe the second one is the ground? Maybe it also floats in space?

Maybe the ground is floating in space?

If it does, then this goes along with what I started to experience more and more, that our reality is not so real as we think it is.

In our referential world there is a ground under everything. And if what appears above the ground is floating and does not even touch the ground, does it mean that it is floating really? Is it happy and jumping with joy?

One thing I can tell for sure is that both the ground and the thing that floats above it continue beyond the canvas to the left and to the right.

It seems in both of them that the left side is close to the end or to the beginning. There is less and less, as we approach the left side. So we can guess that if we go a little more to the left there will be the end of the shapes there.

Is this significant? Well yes. We don’t know yet how, but it is something clear.

When we look at the right side, things both in the floating part and in the ground are becoming more spacious.

This state of events leaves the middle area heavier and therefore it attracts our attention to it. We do not pay much attention to the left and the right. But I am used to looking for the bigger context, so I saw it.

The shapes in the floating part seem to be standing, dancing, running and moving. They seem to be moving to the right. That’s because everything is slightly heavier on the right side of the middle.

The shapes in the ground seem to be horizontal. They seem to be holding on to the rest of the shapes, as if trying to avoid being left behind, when everything else moves. If you look at where in this group the weight is, you realize that they even seem to be pulling to the left, back to the beginning.

Now the difference between the sides helps us understand. To the right there is the progress toward the unknown. In the left was the beginning. One group dances to the future and the other group holds on to where they are, afraid to move.

So it is like two worlds, living very close to each other. One is light and happy, and it is going to the future. The other is depressed and lonely and afraid to move. The two worlds don’t touch each other. Maybe they do not want to pay attention to each other. It is only us, the painter and the watchers of the painting, who can see this strange phenomenon.

In the upper part there are the adventurers, the ones who take risks, those who are not afraid to live life to the full.

In the lower part the figures are afraid and in distress.

Within each group the figures collaborate and are of the same three colors, red, orange and purple. So maybe this shows that basically these are of the same kind, those in the upper and the lower parts. But their experience is totally different.

Where would you choose to be?

You see? Suddenly the drawing changed. Before, maybe it was undecipherable and did not speak much to us. Now it is a challenge, pressing you to decide about your life.

It is nice and looks full of wisdom when I speak about this as if these figures represent some other people. But I drew this. Both the upper and the lower parts came from my imagination. So they represent me.

Which of the groups is me? Both.

If I give up on the upper, I’ll be only depressed and suffering. If I let go of the lower part, who knows what will happen? I may expand. I may explode. Everything is possible. We never know until we decide to be that upper part.

But for now I want to tell you that even though these two groups seem to be of different spirit, they actually belong in the same layer of understanding. They belong to where things are different, separate and competing.

So where is the wisdom here?

In the watcher. You and me. Let’s watch.

And if we let go of wanting to be either the upper or the lower parts, who are we? what do we belong to?

198. The difference that awareness makes

Programs in the subconscious

Programs in the subconscious

I prepared many colors that were to go into many shapes. But when the painting got to this point, I knew it was finished.

There is an area where most of the colors are concentrated. From there, spreading to all directions, this pattern of things-added-to-things, where there are no filled-in colors, goes on beyond the area that we see.

It passed through my mind, before I started writing, that the most important thing for me in making the art is to look very precisely at the experience of the moment. This is what intuition does automatically but it does it in different degrees of precision, based on preparedness, openness, concentration and other conditions. This idea came to me some time before, when I saw, in other cases, that when the art was true to what was experienced in the moment to a greater degree, the art looked very beautiful to me. This makes “beautiful” equal to “what is true now.” I have found this to be true not only in regard to my own art but in regard to the art of clients too. When their art looks very beautiful to me, I know that it is a very good description of what is happening with them now. Interesting, isn’t it? But this time I am thinking about other characteristics of this state.

When the description is precise, the looking itself releases the perceived state completely. The state leaves and a new state rises in the field of experience. The new state that will arise is a response to my vibratory state. If I am confused, a confusing state will arise. If I am happier than before, the new state that will appear for me, will be happier.

If you look at the artwork again, and consider the empty shapes as a structure, ready to be filled out, but not yet filled, then it is like looking at the blueprint of my subconscious. Every empty cell is a belief that can be activated. For the time being, I have focused only on those cells in the middle and they have gotten activated.

Now two things can happen.

If I am not aware, then the entity that sees and experiences the thing that appeared in my experience is my blueprint. My blueprint can also be called my autopilot (or the subconscious). It has habitual responses. Most of the autopilot’s responses have to do with a not-so-good feeling. It is not an empowered state. The responses are not inspired or passionate. They are just automatic. Then another response will arise to the new state and it will go on like this automatically, one response after another, strengthening existing tendencies and leaving me a bit more entrenched in my beliefs, or less flexible.

If I am aware, everything becomes different. First, the awareness makes the experience beautiful. Then, if the state that is experienced is less good feeling than the state of awareness with the beauty that it perceives, the not so good state will dissolve into the better feeling state. This new state will be the state that invites the next experience, so the next experience will be better than the one before. It is a big difference, isn’t it?

So we see that being aware changes the course of events toward better feeling states.

Now imagine that the area in the middle of the artwork that has colors in it is experienced by awareness, as it does in this case, through the artwork. In my mind now, the state that awareness looks at is changing into a better feeling state. And now, everything in its environment has to change too, to match the better state in its midst. This area around the middle is the whole blueprint of expectations, all the potential “work orders” for the autopilot to operate from. So, based on the small change in part of it, the whole blueprint becomes different and we have a different person. I am becoming a different being. Only my habitual thoughts believe that I am still the same.

193. Excited arising

For a few days I did not make many panting in my daily working on myself, as I used to do. It felt that I was doing a lot with each one and needed some space between them.

Excited arising

Excited arising

This is a painting I started very late at night, finished in the morning and wrote about two days later. In between finishing and writing I had a conversation with inner guides, or deeper self, and suddenly realized experientially that the creation of an experience (like, for example, the experience of a friend appearing in front of me) and the experiencing of it are one and the same thing. There is no gap between them. The experiences come out of who-we-are and the experiencing is by that same thing, at the same time. Creating the experience is the experiencing of it.

This may seem meaningless. So what, you’d ask?

It is the realization that we are the infinite. We, as the infinite, create the experience, which is both creating and experiencing. This is how we know ourselves. Every experience reverberates throughout all of what we are.

When I look at this drawing, I see that the moving force in it are the lines in different blues, that build up a movement up and left. It is like an excited arising.

When you make art you dip your brush in the paint and you start making a line on your surface. As you are making the line, you experience the making of the line and its effect on you. So it happens in exactly the same time. Sometimes you change the direction of the line as a result of what comes up in you as you are experiencing it. So it is an activity that is very grounded in the flow of “now.”

And suddenly I know:

I know why it feels so good to make art, and this indeed is true for all the other arts. It is pleasant because being in the flow is becoming one with who we are. And since who-we-are is joyful, loving, curious, peaceful, all these together and more, these are the experiences that we have as we flow. The ideas originate in the non-physical realm, and flow through us to appear in our dream reality. We experience being the creator and experiencing our creation. This is the purpose of life as humans in this dream life.

And this state of flow is also what heals everything that is less than this joy. Healing is making what is not true, true.

Back to the art.

The color areas feel as if they are substances or spaces that have light within them. The light emerges trough the colors. Every one of them is like a little unexpected world, endowed with its own special color. Can you imagine what is inside of them?

They can be things that are “real” like houses, trees, caves, tunnels, but I know that there is no “real”. It is just an experience, created and experienced at the same time.

The end of the discussion about the painting: These color spots don’t really care about being anything. They just enjoy arising excitedly just as the lines in blue.

190. What is the belief behind the pain?

Sometime during the night and early in the morning I painted the pain. Here it is.

Pain

Pain

Then, in the morning, I heard a program on the radio in which a social psychologist (Ellen Langer) talked about her finding that it is our beliefs that determine the outcome that we experience. For example, if I do some physical work and believe that my work is actually exercise, and of course if I believe that exercise helps me loose weight, then just by doing my work I’ll loose weight. The weight is lost not by the work but by my belief. This indeed is also what I believe and this is the basis for all my work on the pain. (Remember the “About” page?)

I was not satisfied, leaving things as they turned out in the pain drawing, because every time I looked at it I remembered the experience of the pain.

I decided to do another drawing and the idea came to me to ask intuition directly: What is the belief that stands behind and drives the creation of the pain?

I have done this kind of asking many times before. You ask your question and just do an intuitive-flow drawing, in which the thinking process does not participate, and the answer comes through the art.

Here is the painted answer.

The teeth that never bite

The teeth that never bite

The zigzag lines in light and dark blue and in reddish purple look like wild animal teeth that come to bite the little pencil scribble in the upper middle. They look angry and threatening. In the beginning there was no pencil scribble there at all. It was just a small, empty space. I added the scribble in the very end of this drawing. I call it the dust ball. I think the drawing could work without it too, but it is there now.

Every set of teeth has some cloud or layered clouds behind it. The clouds are where the anger is stored and from where it comes to the teeth. And of course the anger is against this little dust ball. Or maybe it is against nothing at all?

Such a big anger against such a small and insignificant thing does not make sense. And why don’t the teeth come all the way in and eliminate this little dust ball? They can. But the fact that they do not do it shows that they consider the dust ball to be much stronger than the way it looks. If it provokes such a big anger, it must have a lot of power. Does it make sense to you?

The clouds and the teeth believe that this little dust ball has done something that is enraging and it deserves to be punished. But they stop short and don’t even touch it. The little dot feels all that anger turned directly at him and he turns into a dust ball, ashamed and guilty. That’s why I called him a dust ball. He agrees with them.

And this is how things are for years and years, for ages and ages. How come?

To help us there are a few more details in the artwork. There is some open space where there is no anger. The dust ball cannot go there because there are a few zigzag lines in the way. But this area is quiet. There is no struggle there. And there is a figure there. This figure was the one before the last element that I placed in the drawing. I felt there was someone there, watching and being unaffected. It feels like someone with a childlike curiosity and playfulness. This figure is a result of having developed identification with awareness. There is always, in all situations, a knowing that all that happens is being witnessed with clarity. This clarity is the real me.

So what does the witness see and understand?

The conflicted situation in which there is a dust ball that provokes so much anger, that he feels afraid and ashamed, while the endangering teeth never bite, this is the formula of the game that I am playing this life, or at least a part of my game. It has to stay like this, if I want the game to continue. If the teeth bite, the game will end. If the dust ball blows up the teeth and the clouds, the game will end too. So to keep the game going, they keep this dance. Of course, the dust ball is me. The angry teeth and clouds are me too. It is all an invention of a conflict. It is a choice that creates experiences. The figure in the open space knows this.

But there is another way. I can change the rules. I can smile at the teeth, for example. What will happen then? See how you feel when you read this, and you will know what will happen. It will be a different game, won’t it?

185. Two good friends in the tree house

Two good friends in the tree house

Two good friends in the tree house

This is a painting from two days ago. I did not write about all of the art that I made. Many times there is a painting to write about but I want to paint more, so a gap forms. I wanted to clear everything or actually to accept everything. So does it mean that I have to write about every painting that I do and never skip?

There are things to be gained. But the rule should be, that’s what I think: To do what feels good.

So there are no rules except for this.

I came back from the bathroom, which was a struggle with pain. I sit here, think a few thoughts and almost fall asleep. Pain and tiredness are in my experience today. Is it going to be another day of not being able to do anything of consequence? How can you think and feel good enough to want to do things at all when in such a pain all day long and so tired all the time? I just want to sleep. Desperately I want to sleep and I can’t.

I saw a few funny videos, I spoke with my deeper aspect, and I have a better mood now.

So it is all about the mood.

The feet feel as if it is the last frontier now. Everything is raw and hurting. It is all coming back to life. I am getting younger. I go back in age.

What do I see in this painting?

To me these are two friends (I and my deeper aspect) in the tree house, my imaginary tree house, looking at the beautiful water bodies, mountains and forests. There is a strong sense of friendship and a serene, good time. This is where decisions are made about what I want to do next, and what I want to experience. This is what it is for me. I knew this when I painted. I used acrylic gouache mixed with transparent gesso to create the color areas that show brush marks. I mixed the colors carefully and liked the process. This way of painting works well with the watercolors, when I paint on canvas.

After I made this painting I felt good for quite a while, maybe half a day. I kept coming back to it to feel the friendship again.

I’ll leave this at that

154. Parts play with parts

 

What is now

What is now

From here down it is earth

But earth does not exist

From here up it is heaven

But heaven does not exist

So what does?

The immediate experience here now

And what does it say?

The light has given birth

To the soft flesh

The soft flesh has separated

And parts play with parts

Imagining ins and outs

Firmnesses and softnesses

But look:

Up in the air

The angels caress us all

Breathing eternity. 

 

So tell me: Who are you? Are you the parts? Are you the light? Are you the angels? Or are you eternity? What do you want to do now?

115. Fruit

There is no picture with this entry. You are invited to imagine it for yourself.

It is night. No sleep, as the pain makes me move constantly. Around 4 I start paying attention to the feeling of “I”. I have found that this is one of the things that sometimes helps reducing or eliminating the pain for a while.

I used to do it in this way: I would say to myself the word “I” in my mind and feel what it did to the body when I said this. Then I would think something along these lines: Of course “I” is not this feeling that I experience. It is what is watching it. And this would lead to moving myself, in my imagination, away from that experience to the air around it, so to speak, from which I watched the experience.

But this night I did it differently. I did not want to labor with anything. I just said “I’ in my mind and searched for where I could feel “I”. That’s all. I felt the “I” inside of all the experiences that I had, and it was not them anyway, without having to move out. For some reason it seems hard to explain this now. But doing it was very natural. If you don’t try to solve it through thinking, this happens automatically.

As I did it, I started to feel the flow of old thoughts, old beliefs, old expectations as it was leaving me in great speed. It became a cleansing process.

The pain also was seen, in this state, as something in the process of cleansing. The experience of pain was how it felt as it was leaving me. There was a certain amount that was kept somewhere and it was streaming out.

After about half an hour like this, it started to be difficult to find that “I” any more. Then I could not find it.

When I started to move, there was this strange body moving right here. It was not clear to me whether I was seeing it from outside or inside but it surely was not “I”. It was moving on its own, like an unreal thing with its own program. I could not see what was making it move. “I” certainly did not do it because it was not there.

In the end of the stream of old garbage, where there were spaces, there was joy in them. I started to feel very good. This is the joy of who I am that is naturally there, when it has some space to come through.

Then I realized that what I do with art, the method of intuitive flow, is exactly this: I tune in to “I”. I tune in to “I” by trusting and following my sense of beauty, and immediately as I start doing it, the stream of useless old beliefs starts streaming out and onto the paper. It is just the same process, only going on slower and enabling me to see what is happening. When I work with people, this is what they experience, and the art, which results, enables them to see what comes out and know that it is leaving them. This knowing is important, because it makes it possible for them to know that from now on they are free from having to conduct their lives, based on that belief. It is an easy way to create this healthy process and be aware of it at the same time. And just as it happened with the attention alone, during the early hours of the morning, it happens with the art process: Joy comes pretty fast. This is how people sometimes come in to sessions upset and worried and leave, after an hour, joyful. The joy is from them. It is the essence of who they are naturally, as it has found it way to appear, when the density of inner programs was reduced.


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Entries 1-58 show how I use the method of Intuition Through Art to heal myself from Peripheral Neuropathy.

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